SATIRE: ‘The Klein Challenge’ must be witchcraft

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SATIRE: ‘The Klein Challenge’ must be witchcraft

Graphic by Katie Howard '19

Graphic by Katie Howard '19

Graphic by Katie Howard '19

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Ah, Staples.  It’s the magnum opus of public high school education. We have dominated almost every field a high school is capable of: theater, the arts and STEM. This is simply a testament to Staples’ overarching ability to achieve. We similarly excel in athletics. In years past, Staples has dominated National History Day, to the extent that they had to ask us to stop coming in order to give other students a chance. In summation, we are a force to be reckoned with.

And yet, there’s one place that the Staples’ student body always seems to falter: the Klein Challenge. Despite being a game-show-style competition that forms the cornerstone of modern day GMS, students have competed for years to earn a victory in the throes of calculation, prediction and most of all, football.

However, throughout all the years that GMS has run, the students have never won. Given the aforementioned examples of Staples’ stature in all competition, there must be something else afoot, something more sinister — dare I say, even supernatural.

My theory is this: before each game Mr. Klein opens his third eye (in the shape of a football, of course), and reviews the events of the coming week before it happens. He then makes his “predictions” on GMS in the following days, completely disbalancing the playing field from whatever unsuspecting student he’s competing with.

Since it is impossible for Staples students to be incompetent in competition, the only other explanation is witchcraft, pure and simple.”

Before you dismiss this theory with scorn, consider it for a minute. Student after student after student competes with one man in an attempt to win, but somehow, every year, these valiant efforts fall short and Mr. Klein emerges victorious. Given the sheer number of students who compete yearly, surely we must have triumphed one year? But alas, we never have.

So, since it is impossible for Staples students to be incompetent in competition, the only other explanation is witchcraft, pure and simple. It may seem inane to some, but that is the only option left considering the magnitude with which Staples succeeds.

Mr. Klein, we are on to you.

 

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