SATIRE: COVID-19 retreats in face of Staples’ effective safety measures

While preparing for the return to in-person learning this fall, Staples administration was sure to enact several CDC guidelines in attempts  to prevent COVID-19. 

But we truly owe our safety to our fellow students who go the extra mile to respect the health and safety of their peers and teachers. 

For instance, the juniors who attended the moshing at Gov Ball took full precautions. True, some were pictured without masks standing shoulder to shoulder with other unmasked teens, but that wasn’t their fault. 

“I thought I was attending an outdoor, assigned-seat concert, where audience members would be spaced 6 feet apart,” Ima Fullofit said. “I had no idea we would be thrown into the pits, where our masks would be torn from our faces and thrown jubilantly into the air as we danced ferociously to Lil Nas X.”

In addition, it doesn’t even matter that they were so close while unmasked, breathing, and sweating on each other, because everyone knows that COVID doesn’t exist outside. 

We must also applaud our administration’s considerable efforts to maintain our safety and comfort at school. Let’s reminisce about September’s fire drill when we all squished through that singular door utilized to exit the building. 

Once outside, we were allowed to follow CDC guidelines and unmask to breathe some fresh air. And then, we followed proper fire drill protocol by getting quickly herded into a small area. All distance between student bodies was eliminated so that the teachers could protect the student flock and really ensure safety. We were packed so closely you could practically taste the stuffled coughs. Yum.

Given all our careful adherences to CDC guidelines, it is no surprise that we have this COVID thing under control just in time for Halloween. So, go on! Skip the soap this Halloween. Dive into that candy bowl touched by hundreds of sticky hands and enjoy the sweet taste of COVID-19… we mean, “candy.” And next weekend, when you’re debating on whether or not to take a sip out of that red solo cup that’s been passed around the party by 20 people, go ahead, take a sip! After all, we’re all crowded together in this building anyways. Keep up the good work everyone!