SATIRE: do you play a real sport?
December 15, 2009
Jack Hennessy ’10
Web Sports Editor
I love sports. Always have. I love to discuss them, hear about them, watch them, write about them, and of course, play them. My friends and I often argue about which are the true sports. The ones that are, in fact, sports and not activities. I’m here to set the record straight. Some of them definitely enter the gray area but here is my opinion on their true labels.
I thought I’d start off by first making sure everyone knows which so-called sports are the real sports. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, and hockey are sports. There is no debate for any of these, so don’t even try.
The following groups represent all the wannabe sports.
We’ll begin with skiing, fishing, bowling, horseback riding, and golf. These are not sports; they are hobbies. Golf included. Think about it, the only athletic golfer on the tour got so bored that he needed 20 mistresses to keep himself entertained. Playing golf is like wasting an entire day hiking with a bag of weights on your back. Watching it is like dying.
Horseback riding? I don’t think so. You’re having an animal do all the work for you. That’s all there is to it.
Fishing and bowling didn’t even come close. If I can do them when I’m 100 years old then they are not sports. The fact that bowling actually has a professional league for all those who excel at this hobby is a joke. Who would take time out of their day to watch others bowl? The new PBA commercials end with the closing line of “Sundays are for Bowling.” Sundays are not for bowling. And Sundays are especially not for watching bowling. I think I can speak for everyone when I say bowling is for one, maybe two, nights out of the year when you simply cannot think of anything else to do.
I love skiing. But it’s not a sport. The only good skiers are the people who can afford to take constant vacations to Vermont or out west, rent houses, buy the latest pair of $300 skis, and purchase $100 lift tickets. News flash: that’s not a lot of people.
The next section I had to make for two activities that were simply indefinable. This is the miscellaneous section. The first is gymnastics. I have literally nothing against gymnasts. In fact, I bet they are in better shape than most athletes who play real sports. But I just couldn’t label this a sport. With the multiple events and complex judging aspect, it really isn’t a sport. I mean if one judge is in a bad mood and gives someone a four for the floor competition when that same judge would have normally given that person a six, then I shy away from its legitimacy. There’s just too much variability.
The second is swimming. I also respect the hell out of swimmers and their intense workout regimens, but in the end, swimming is a survival technique, not a sport. Swimmers have just figured out how to not drown better than the rest of us.
We’ve arrived at the plain old activities portion. Cheerleading, track, and ultimate Frisbee are activities. I’m sorry, but cheerleading only exists because of another sport. And no, Inklings is not out to get the cheerleading team. Just remember, this is one person’s opinion. Deep breaths.
I’m going to quickly transition away from that with track. Track is not a sport. Running around in circles just doesn’t fit the criteria. Especially considering it’s just a way to keep in shape for real sports. Love you Laddie (please don’t cut me).
Ultimate Frisbee is also an activity. Play it with your dog if you really must do it.
I will next talk about the poser sports. NASCAR, field hockey, figure skating, and, of course, lacrosse. That’s right, lacrosse. It’s a Native American Tradition, not a sport. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a baseball player.
Figure skating is also not a sport. It makes no difference to me that it’s in the Olympics. So is curling.
Field hockey is definitely not a sport. For the sake of avoiding a trip to the assistant principal, I must withhold my reasons. I’ll l be honest, they are offensive.
NASCAR? Hell no. My summary of race car driving: whoever can hold the pedal to the floor the longest without crashing. I really don’t care that it’s supposedly the most popular “sport” in the country. That’s just because of all the southerners who don’t know any better.
And lastly, I am adding one more sport to the legitimate list. That sport is dodgeball.
The final list, therefore, of true sports is as follows: football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, hockey, and last, but certainly not least, dodgeball.
poppy schaffer • Jan 16, 2020 at 6:26 pm
FIELD HOCKEY??????????
Id like to see YOU try holding a squat for half an hour wile shuffling back and forth, running 3 miles, and doing tick work every day for a workout.
Eddie Kiev • Oct 23, 2019 at 1:38 pm
This is satire, people. It is not meant to be taken seriously. Calling this article a joke is actually accurate. If you are taking offense, it is because you have misread.
Emelia • Aug 27, 2019 at 5:25 pm
I would actually like to hear your reasons as to why field hockey and lacrosse are not “real” sports. In field hockey and lacrosse you run up and down the field when in baseball you run from one base to another. AND YOU GET A BREAK IN BETWEEN EACH BASE! you hit a ball and run. field hockey takes great effort to keep the ball in your stick and sprint down the field while dodging others players who are trying to take the ball from you. and lacrosse is the same thing but in the air. please try the sport before you declare it an activity or an american indian tradition.
Hollywood • Aug 15, 2019 at 1:34 pm
You’re ignorant. I think the IOC has defined what they consider real sports. If it’s an Olympic sport, it’s a real sport. I’d love to hear your explanation regarding field hockey. Does it have anything to do with the skirts? Are you aware that men play field hockey? Do you know how fast you need to run to qualify for a team? And you discount gymnastics because you don’t like the way it’s scored? Lame.
Aaron Walter Ryse • Jun 2, 2019 at 9:58 pm
this is an old article, but it came up somehow when I was trying to help a niece find field hockey camps. now nobody here really cares that some commentator considers some sports to be sports and some sports to be non sports. doesn’t matter. but there is significant ignorance in the comment about the horseback riding. round here we’re mostly hunting, fishing, doing farmwork, and a lot of horses. could give a hoot if anyone calls any of it a sport or some other term, but horseback riding is far from effortless. this joker would likely fall right off if he ever even tried. maybe some friendly cowboys have read his article over the last 10 years and given him a nice easy talking to… heheheheh
JR • Feb 3, 2019 at 11:22 pm
Shit the bed i honestly lost my shit reading this… You consider dodgeball a “sport” over field hockey,horse riding, track etc.
Lets think about this for a second, you say american football is a sport. Those players only spend a total of 11 minutes actually playing and competing, whereas field hockey is 35 min both halves full on competition where if you take a stick or ball to the head. Youre dead… You ride a horse and not no what youre doing.. dead… You take a dodgeball to the head. Ahh cute. Its bounced like my 5 year olds toy.
I agree there are certain activities that probably shouldnt be classed as sports. But you clearly dont have a clue which is which.
You havnt given any real reasonings to your judgements which either means you lack facts. Or youre a bad writer trying to get views. Frankly im shocked that this is actually serious and not utter sarcastic trollop. Get out your office for once and go play one of these so called “hobbies” and then re write. Although i feel youll stay narrow minded.
Claire • Nov 27, 2018 at 3:14 pm
WOW!!! You actually have the nerve to tell me that my sport isn’t a real sport? Read this… . I know you people who play ¨sports¨ like football and soccer think you are big and strong… tell that to my horse. When we get on horses, we risk everything, we might not ever walk again, we might kill ourselves and others. You must be very educated and extremely strong to even trot my horse. You think you just sit there? Go run my barrels, or maybe my jumps if you think barrel racing is too ¨dirty¨ for you and your little snot mouth. Why do people think this is not a sport? In eventing, you literally have to have your medical information strapped to your arm!!! So many people DIE from horseback riding each year, educated people who know what they are doing. We work all year round, in the cold, in the rain too. When we fall down, we get back in the saddle. I was barrel racing a while ago, fell off, shattered my tailbone and GOT BACK IN THE SADDLE!!!
Also, what do you consider a sport? Nobody knows. Dodgeball is a sport and horseback riding isn’t? I dare you to go out and ride, really ride. Don’t go on a trail ride. Ride the gallop in two-point, around the area twice, no, once. If that isn’t enough for you, come talk to me, I’ll teach you its a sport…
A Horseback Rider • Nov 3, 2018 at 8:00 pm
HOW DARE YOU. Haha youre probably one of those footballers. Ok, football is hard, you run around with a ball that weighs about 5 lb. Now try lifting a sadle onto a 200+ lb animal, who is taller than you. Then, imagine jumping onto the horse from the ground. Then, you have to control him, when the horse has a mind of its own, and (most of the time) doesn’t want to cooperate. Also, does the football have brains? No. Is it trying to hurt you? No.
Hey look on the bright side. Zombies eat brains. You’re safe from at least one species.
Swaay Ransom • Oct 27, 2018 at 2:07 pm
Horses do all the work? Haha I’m crying😂 I have to speak with a 1200 pound animal, that doesn’t know English, so I suggest you just shut up and you try riding, see how that goes, let me know if you change your mind
Swaay Ransom • Oct 27, 2018 at 2:03 pm
OH MY FREAKIN GOSH IM ABOUT TO SCREAM MY HEAD OFF, horse back riding? Wanna be sport? HORSE BACK RIDING IS A SPORT, ever tried to run full speed and make a turn at a barrel ( horse trips you’re dead) run at 4 ft jump and jump over it without falling and if you fall while the horse is Jumping the horse will most likely land on you, also you’re in danger on or off the horse, my horse has kicked me b4 but the only reason I wasn’t seriously injured was bco I was rt behind him. Still not a sport? Ok need more convincing? Is football in the Olympics? No? But it’s still a sport ahhhh okay! But Equestrian IS in the Olympics and it’s not a sport? I hate when people say equestrian is not a sport bco I put all my time and tears and money into this sport, I’ve broken so many bones doing this sport, I have nearly been killed doing this sport. But yet, I get right back on and do it again. But in most sports if someone gets kicked in the shin (poor lil person) that get told to take the bench. I fall and break my wrist and I’m told to stop whining and get back on, so I lift myself back onto this huge animal and try it again.
Iz • Jun 17, 2018 at 3:05 pm
Haha this must be an actual JOKE! Let’s say you play football (soccer for Americans). I do horse riding. It’s a sport where you control an animal weighing half a ton to a ton, with mainly your legs. Onto football… you control an object that can’t possibly weigh more than a bag of flour. Then you pass it onto your teammates for them to do the brunt of the work. Also, I almost forgot to mention, a football is,as far as I can tell, an inanimate object, i.e. doesn’t have a brain. A bit like you, in fact!
Horsegirl • Jun 6, 2018 at 1:53 pm
Riding is not a hobby. They don’t put hobbies in the Olympics
Horselover • Jun 6, 2018 at 1:50 pm
Horseback Riding is not a sport? LOL, thats a good one, I almost thought you were serious! Which idiot whould consider horseback Riding as a non – sport! 😀
A Horseback Rider • Apr 18, 2016 at 7:11 pm
Try horseback riding. I dare you.
Alex Rodriguez • Apr 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I under water basket weave!
Bob • Apr 10, 2012 at 8:03 pm
You are not a horse person at all! Saying negative things about our sport is offensive. Before you start writing you should get your facts straight. Horseback riding is very very physically tiring and do you think you could hop on any horse and start riding? People put in a lot of time and energy into training horses for riding. It is very hard to get a 1000 pound animal to listen to you and they can do a lot of damage without meaning to. When non horse people ride they dont even try to use their bodies correctly. They just sit there and that is why they bounce. I would like to see you try to do 2 point without stirrups a couple of times around the ring- or do you even know what that is?
CL • Jun 15, 2011 at 1:19 am
I thought this was a joke, but how would it have made it to Inklings?
This is the kind of person that will go horseback riding to prove it’s “easiness” (I mean, the horse is doing everything for you, isn’t it?), and face plant at a trot…actually, not even, maybe just a walk. I don’t see him jumping 5 ft fences or barrel racing anytime soon.
Lulu • Jan 6, 2011 at 3:03 pm
I agree with Kara and Erin. If you haven’t ever really riden a horse then you have no idea what it’s like. I have competed across the country and succeeded in many aspects of riding you can honestly say that it is more difficult than any other sport. You end up using every muscle in your body when you are riding a horse. If its not a real sport why is it in the Olympic Games. Most people think the same single way you do and thats what gets them in trouble. If you don’t understand the sports that you are complaining about don’t say anything at all because horseback riding has more people killed every year than vehicle accidents. We have a bond with the living thing underneath of us.
Erin • Dec 29, 2010 at 6:14 pm
So what exactly qualifies as a sport to you? Is your tennis racket, basketball, or football 1500 lbs with a mind of its own? I didn’t think so. If that horse doesn’t want you on it’s back, you won’t be, plain and simple. You have to use physical aids in most equine competitions or sports. That horse isn’t going to jump, or canter, or sidepass unless you tell it to. Which requires bonding and trust from both the rider and the horse. Have you actually tried any of the things you’re claiming not to be sports? Or even researched them? Frankly, it looks like you haven’t. So, you shouldn’t say what is and isn’t a sport. You go skiing, or golfing, or horseback riding (and not on a tourist trail ride where you’re strictly a passenger) and I think you’d have a new perspective on what is and isn’t a sport.
Kara • Oct 12, 2010 at 11:17 pm
I would argue you on the horseback riding aspect of things but your arguement is SO weak that I dont wanna waste my time let me just say this one remark, dose a football a baseball or any other sporting equipment have a mind of its own…no you say…well gee whats fun about that. I also think that you are completly uneducated about aspects of equine competition the majority of equine sports are hard work for both horse and rider and are not just letting the horse carry you to the finish line.
and i think your a complete moron for critiquing these other sports that are some of the hardest in the world…when you compete activly in every single one at more than the most babyish basic level then we’ll all talk kay? kay
Brian • Jul 14, 2010 at 3:35 am
I mean you could try and have a debate if you offered any decent reasons as to why those things don’t qualify as sports. I’m going to defend track here. Running around in a circle is just training for real sports? Come on man, racing against 12 other guys in the 5k or 1500m isn’t considered a sports? How can that be? You have opponents, you have to train to be able to compete. Just because there isn’t really a team aspect involved doesn’t mean it’s not a sport. Realistically if you look at it track and field paved the way for every other sport out there seeing as it was the first sport contested in the ancient and modern Olympic Games. If you are going to denounce the biggest sports competition known to man then I fear for you. I’d love to hear your criteria then maybe we can have a real discussion but hey man everyone is entitled to their own opinion you keep watching your team sports and I’ll watch the real athletes break world records that far surpass anything anyone in the NFL, MLB, NBA, or NHL can do.
Registry Cleaner Reviews • Mar 1, 2010 at 7:10 am
yes I play a sport called “boxing” haaha
steve • Feb 2, 2010 at 6:56 pm
This article seems to be just rambling…you should really start out with a defined criteria for what a sport is. I mean, you're saying lacrosse isn't a sport because its a native american tradition? What does that have to do with anything? Who cares about the origin? This just makes absolutely no sense.
Molly Hennessy • Dec 16, 2009 at 12:09 am
Excuse me. Swimming is for sure a sport. Your criteria is BOGUS. What qualifies something to be a sport? Swimmers are in better shape than ANY other athlete even gymnasts. We are far more resilient and determined than any other sport. We wake up at 4 to go to practice and then go back and do it all over again in the afternoon. Swimming was by far the most popular sport in the Olympics. I'm sorry that baseball and football aren't even in the Olympics. I wont even address the whole dodgeball aspect because thats just immature. This column is a joke. Enough said.
Dan Woog • Dec 15, 2009 at 10:49 pm
This is hilarious. Great job, Jack. But you forgot one: hunting.
Definitely not a sport. A sport is something in which both sides know they're involved. Hunters definitely know they're playing; deer, rabbits, quail and other helpless animals don't.
However, there is one way hunting COULD qualify as a sport: Give guns to the other side. Have elk and whatnot fire back. I'd even pay to watch that on TV.