SATIRE: I Believe North Dakota Does Not Exist


Graphic by Jake Baron ’13

I am thoroughly convinced that North Dakota does not actually exist.

This conspiracy is so blatantly obvious it has been overlooked for about 120 years.

If you don’t agree with my argument at first, please, ask yourself:

Have you ever known a single person that has ever been to North Dakota?

I assume all of your answers are “no,” because if they aren’t, that kind of ruins my argument.

I was confronted with this idea when I was 11-years-old. My family was driving across the country from California to Connecticut and we made a bunch of stops along the way.

A couple national parks, some places to see family, and we went to South Dakota to see Mount Rushmore.

Then, my dad suggested that we go through North Dakota into Canada.

On our drive, we passed through some iconic places in South Dakota, including Wall, South Dakota where our car was stopped by a large buffalo.

On the border of South Dakota and North Dakota, I was surprised to see a “Welcome to Canada” sign only about 50 feet beyond it.

Basically, North Dakota is a 50 foot long strip of land that stretches a bunch of miles, but there is nothing there.

Yes, there is a place occupying space called North Dakota, and it is physically there, but not in the way anyone has ever thought.

North Dakota is basically a ploy by the government to have exactly 50 states. Not only that, but it is also, contrary to popular belief, where area-51 is located.

Area-51, for those of you that don’t know, is a high-security Air Force base that is thought to have been a place involving aliens and UFOs.

But you all thought it was in Nevada. Why would it be in the same state as Las Vegas? No way. Too much stuff around.

There is actually nothing else in North Dakota, so it’s a perfect place for a secret military base that researches aliens.

What about the lack of change in government? They’ve had the same Superintendent of Public Instruction since 1985 and the same Secretary of State since 1993.

This is because the governmental system is run by the officers at area-51, and they don’t leave there until they either get their brain wiped by some accidental gamma ray, or they just leave.

In reality, there are no actual inhabitants of North Dakota.

The census that everyone sees is actually just the people that commute from South Dakota and Montana to work at area-51.

Yes, more people live in Montana than in North Dakota, have fun with that.