Paper Opinions: Horoscopes determine my entire future—not

When I wake up in the morning, I need a few things. I need a cup of coffee, my daily Skimm and most importantly, I need to read my horoscope.

I am directionless without it. In fact, when I walk into school without knowing that I might meet the man of my dreams, receive bad news or make a life-changing decision, I can’t carry on.

Every instant of my life is dictated through my zodiac sign. When my Gemini horoscope says I’ll meet my soulmate, I know that the first guy that locks eyes with me is certainly the one, especially if he’s an Aries or Libra (my most compatible signs).

And when I get the intriguingly mysterious prediction, “Geminis will encounter an unexpected visitor in their life,” second period in Physics, a god-like figure arrives—a sub. The astrological universe graced me with his presence.

And if the planets, moon and sun aren’t perfectly aligned and orbiting in a certain way around the Earth, it can throw off the entire course of my day.

When my horoscope says to take risks in my personal life, I post a solo picture or selfie on my Instagram and create a new finsta (fake Instagram) so I can feel a little bit daring. When my horoscope claims the planetary alignment will affect my health, I stay home from school and avoid the germs. Or when my horoscope claims I will hear bad news, I take a mental health day.

So many questions can be answered with a click of a button on my phone. Will a boyfriend from the past turn up? Will I win the lottery?

Astrology is a science.

Now I’m going to give you  a ridiculously accurate horoscope for your reading pleasure:

The weather is heating up and so is your love life. You may find a new romantic interest to canoodle in the halls.

This spring it is crucial to wear white Converse and Ray-Bans in order to fit into the rare, basic-girl species. Make sure to get Dunkin Donuts iced coffee and invest in some Free People spring tops.

You also may find yourself stuck in a sticky situation, with your bank account swiftly dwindling. No worries (insert star sign here). This is just the result of the piles of clothes you will have to purchase at Brandy Melville.  

Oh, and you know that special someone who sits behind you in math? He could be the one.