5 Ways To Seem More Athletic (Without Really Trying)

There are some among us who would rather run from a ball than catch it, look lumpy in spandex and take 15 minute bathroom breaks in gym. But at Staples, where the majority of freshmen seem to be tri-season athletes and even the theater kids know how to throw a football, this curse of non-athleticism is difficult to accept.

For the minority who must face a lack of coordination and sports ability every day, here are some coping strategies that can help traverse the emotional wasteland of non-athleticism.

1.) Dress The Part: At a school where almost everyone is involved in a sport, borrow some logo wear from your friends to convince people that you’re athletically gifted in a variety of areas. The main reason for doing sports is getting the hoodies, half-zips and sweatpants emblazoned with the Staples logo anyway.

Why invest hours into arduous practices and snooze-worthy games when you could raid the lost and found? There’s no need to even step out on the court or field; everyone will believe that you’re a Wrecker as soon as you don a girls swim pinny or Henry Wynne’s track Nationals backpack.

2.) Use Injuries To Your Advantage: There’s nothing more impressive than a leg fractured in the championship soccer game or a shoulder pulled from a 100-yard football pass. So the next time you fall up the stairs or stub your toe, embellish the story.

As long as you make it clear that you jammed your finger during a five-hour basketball practice, everyone will assume you define “athlete” in every sense of the word. Plus no one will interpret your injury for what it really is: a strategic ploy to escape mat-ball in gym.

3.) Fuel Like An Athlete: Everyone knows the adage, “You are what you eat.” So if you want to be a top-notch athlete, you need top-notch nutrition. Get sausage on your pizza for an extra dose of protein and don’t let your bodybuilding be deterred by the oily gristle or mysterious texture.

Swap the fruit for a Clif Bar; it has a mountain climber on the wrapper, so it must promote athleticism. Ditch the artisan tea for a Powerade or Gatorade. The drinks might not automatically get you an A+ in gym, but at least they have electrolytes.

4.) Tackle Tan Lines: Tan lines denoting shin guards or lacrosse pads are indisputable evidence of sports participation. So if you’re dedicated, strap on some gear and pull out the spray tan. I promise that you’ll look just like a lax bro when you’re done.

If you want to make the experience more authentic, go to Sunsations wearing pads and a helmet. Good luck getting comfortable in the tanning booth, though.

5.) Pick A Team: A true athlete has to live, breathe and watch sports. But if you’d rather be tuning in to Real Housewives or Breaking Amish than sporting events, just choose a team that you can cheer for. Necessary prerequisites are a cute mascot and team colors that flatter your skin tone. As long as you keep up with game stats and post the occasional status, they’ll be no distinguishing you from a true fanatic.