Kaplan guarantees his long-awaited return to rec basketball

Adam Kaplan, Editor-in-Chief

I, Adam Joshua Kaplan, will dunk in recreational basketball next year.

Life comes in peaks and valleys. After I left rec in eighth grade, my athletic state was at an all time low. I could barely play a pick-up game without coughing and wheezing. My mile time slid into the 10 minute range. I’ve decided it’s time for a change.

While I did officially retire from rec, when my 2-10 team made a Cinderella run into the second round, I would like to announce that I am back. If Michael Jordan can come out of retirement twice, why can’t I?

Back then I really only had two marketable skills – trash talking and fouling hard. I was such a maestro at fouling, I actually hold a camp record for fouling out of a game in six minutes. My other basketball skills like shooting and dribbling were not refined then, and now that I’m a few years removed from the game I can’t imagine they are better now.

I have already started my extensive training – not to get better at basketball but to be able to dunk in a game next year. When I say dunk, I don’t mean a two handed rim-grazer on a breakaway. I want to put a kid on my poster by dunking over them. To all the centers in rec next year, get ready for my Kodak moment.

This summer you will see me at the gym jumping rope, swimming and leg pressing in order to get a new vertical. Once the season starts, I will surprise the world. After I send shockwaves through rec, the Rec Report will put it on their top 10, coach Colin Devine will send me recruitment letters and I will be ingrained in rec history. I plan for the Facebook group to talk about my legend long after I’m gone.

This is not a prediction, it is a guarantee. I will dunk in rec next year.