“Wolf” Has Been Cried Far Too Many Times

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Olivia Kalb

Olivia Kalb’s basement “with enough rice, soup, and water” to survive an apocalypse.

Olivia Kalb, Staff Writer

I consider myself a rational person. Sure, I have my quirks like everybody else, such as an intense need to always match my socks, but one I do not have, and one that is most absolutely absurd, is belief in the impending Mayan Apocalypse.

Call me crazy, but how many times have we awaited such an event? “Wolf” has been cried far too many times for me to believe that the Mayan prediction will be any different than any prier prediction about the end of the world.

Remember the Oct. 21, 2011 prediction by Harold Camping, a radio broadcaster at Family Radio? What about Nancy Lieder, the creator of the Zetatalk website, who predicted alien destruction in May 2003? Both wrong. Both suffered the terrible shame of public embarrassment. And how many people sold all their worldly goods for naught? How many were insane enough to waste their money on useless supplies based on these absurd apocalypse prophecies?

Despite my resolute belief that life as we know it will go on, it’s a bit surprising that I come from a family who is a tad obsessed with the idea of an apocalypse. Zombie apocalypse, Mayan calendar ending apocalypse, alien invasion apocalypse, you name it, my family has a plan on how to survive it. We own actual printed manuals on how to survive.

My dad, especially, attends to these preparations. In fact, he has filled a room in my basement with enough rice, soup and water to get us through a few months after the destruction of civilization. My mom has even come upon him in his office contemplating various scenarios on how to save us in the event of a zombie apocalypse.

While these disasters will never occur, I’ll concede the merit in preparing oneself: the fun of brainstorming. Like my recent suggestion that we add to the basement cache of supplies: Twinkies.

Twinkies are the ultimate food of any apocalypse because of their long-lasting goodness. They’re rumored to be able to last for over 50 years. Besides the cockroaches, what else is sure to survive?

I remain resolved, however, that the world is not ending anytime soon. And I make this declaration with complete sincerity and the knowledge that if I am wrong, there will be no one to say “I told you so.”