1. I could care less about televised sports. There is absolutely no entertainment for me in sitting on the couch and watching random men on television. The fun in watching sports comes from actually being there and feeling the excitement of the crowd. So unless you can get me a plane ticket to New Orleans and a pass to the Superdome, count me out of the Super Bowl festivities.

2. I hate the smell of football food. When the waft of onion dip, beer and chicken wings reaches my nose, a wave of nausea passes over me. The stench makes me feel like I’ve just been dunked in a vat of McDonalds frying oil and I need to take a shower ASAP.

3. I don’t understand the buzz about commercials. Why is it that suddenly a big football game rolls around and everybody pretends to be excited about commercials? The money spent on these commercials is a huge waste. Thirty seconds during this year’s game costs an average of $3.5 million, when normally as soon as the announcer says, “we’ll be right back…” everybody gets up to chat and get a soda.

4. I like to relax on Sundays. I can wake up, go for a walk, do my homework, and go to bed at a reasonable hour. But not on this dreaded day in February. In the morning, I have to help my mother make a buffet of foods. Then later, I listen to the television blaring and the utterly pointless screams of my dad and brother.

5. It lasts more than one day. I have to constantly listen to bet-making who is going to be in the Super Bowl and who is going to win. Then once it’s over, everybody comes into school wearing their smelly, greasy jerseys and barks about calls the referee made and screw-ups at the halftime shows.

And that leads me to my final statement. Though this day will be filled with foul food and obnoxious fans, I will actually be glued to the television for one very short time. The Super Bowl organizers have managed to make one good decision: Beyoncé at the halftime show. But afterwards, I will return to isolation and do my best to survive this ghastly day.