By: Melanie Lust ’19

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson has maintained ties to the Kremlin for nearly two decades, according to Adam Schiff, a Democrat on the House Intelligence Committee. Schiff based his claims on a dossier he read after it was tied to a brick and thrown through his bedroom window, late at night on April 29.
“The dossier gives no clear information on what Tillerson and Putin talked about during his visits,” Schiff admitted. “There are no pictures or testimonies, but the text of the dossier was so moving that I know deep down in my heart that they must have been acting far too friendly.”
When pressed, Schiff said the dossier sparked his imagination leading him to recall a daydream he once had in 2015. The daydream featured Tillerson and Putin knitting friendship bracelets at a park in Moscow. Schiff recalled that at the end of his dream, Putin gave Tillerson a peck on the cheek.
“And then I thought, ‘It makes perfect sense,’” Schiff said. “It was such a vivid dream, but why? Because it was real. It happened. Tillerson and Putin are in love with each other and there is no greater truth. Republicans say they have no relations whatsoever, but these are alternative facts.”
Sally Yates, former U.S. Attorney General, confirmed that she, too, has found inspiration after reading the dossier. “A sudden image came to my head capturing Putin buying Tillerson a shirt that said, ‘Someone I love refrained from torturing me in a KGB unit and all I got was this lousy t-shirt,’” Yates recalled enthusiastically. “Life is what you make of it, you know? I just feel like if I tell myself it’s true enough times, soon enough I can make it real.”
The dossier’s implications of strong ties between Trump’s cabinet and Putin also have the American public incensed.
“If we can imagine a bond of that scale existing between the Secretary of State and Putin, who knows what influence that could have over political decisions in our country?” Ima Bogus, a granola-eating mother of two, said.
The brick to which the dossier was tied is now sitting in a glass case in Schiff’s apartment as a “reminder of what can be achieved if you truly believe.”