Hannah Myers

My great grandparents toiled and stomached the turbulent Atlantic Ocean on their voyage towards America so that future generations could live free of the oppression and constant unjust persecution that plagued their existence. This great country of­fered them the hope of liberty, choice, and a satisfying supply of high calorie products.

They lived by President George W. Bush’s declaration that “freedom will prevail” for Americans; alas they could never have imagined that their strug­gles would be defamed by the new policy in our cafeteria decreeing that their grandson and other students now only get one measly Peanut and Butter Jelly Sandwich instead of two (What’s that, you say—this can’t be possible be­cause George W. wasn’t close to being alive, nor would they have spoken English? Well love for one’s country can overcome all these obstacles—you would know this if you were a true patriot).

Those who complacently eat those sandwiches are ignorantly yielding to the tyranny of this authoritarian welfare state ob­scured in the name of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move Propaganda Campaign. Joining the bandwag­on of antiobesityness and health­iness may seem noble or just, but by the name of Uncle Sam, it is all deceitful propaganda.

Let’s Move is actually a cod­ed acronym. The real meaning is ”Let’s give our veterans empty stomachs” (Disclaimer: I don’t have any proof of this, and that’s not an acronym, but you can’t disprove me – so yeah). History tells us that this is only the first step—whether it is Mussolini or the Taliban, the rights of unsus­pecting citizens are slowly re­stricted until food is rationed in morsels—or worse—until peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are banned completely.

And no child should have to grow up in a world without peanut butter and jelly. It is a basic human right. And yes, Mi­chelllllllee (yeah what a preten­tious name), obesity is my natural right as well; Thomas Jefferson’s diary, which has been banned since Woodrow Wilson’s admin­istration needed adolescents to shape-up for the World War One Draft, gave a detailed description of how Jefferson was enjoying a Twinkie when he was inspired to declare that all men are entitled to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.”

It would be naïve of me to assume that everyone—that anyone—would share my panic or sense of urgency with this is­sue. But I do implore you to do the bare minimum and question where your hard-earned money is going; if students now get half the peanut butter and jelly they used to, then why are they be­ing charged the same price? The saved money is probably being spent on new spoils for social­ist bureaucrats—maybe public school pencils for instance.

So I say, enough is enough: it is time for students to boycott, to refuse to eat the scant cafeteria peanut and butter jelly sandwich­es which our oppressors profit by. Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, “I have a dream that one day little boys and girls will all have free, abundant bouncy castles and peanut butter and jelly sand­wiches.” If we all stand together in protest, tomorrow could be that day.