Inklings’ Guide To Surviving The Holidays: Your Holiday Table Made Easy

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Inklings’ Guide To Surviving The Holidays: Your Holiday Table Made Easy

Brittany Healy, Staff Writer

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Assigned Seating: Holiday Edition

Adult’s Table

Mom (end of the table)- By the time Mom sits down to eat, she’s already working on her third glass of wine after making all the food and then having to listen to everyone talk throughout dinner. 

Dad (next to mom)- Spends most of dinner trying to calm down Mom by saying “romantic” things that end up making her more stressed out. “Isn’t that how Ryan Gosling won over Savannah in Dear John?” 

Quiet Uncle (on dad’s side)- Being the quiet uncle only means one thing: he is silently judging everyone. “Would it be appropriate to tape everyone’s mouth’s shut? Or should I just try to make my escape when Mom starts yelling across the table?”

Obnoxious Aunt (next to uncle)- Never shuts up the entire dinner and could literally talk for hours about anyone and anything. “O-M-G did you hear what Sally said at the last PTA meeting?”

Single Aunt (next to other aunt)- The middle-aged sister who spends the whole dinner explaining how she just got out of a serious (two week) relationship… and already has a new boyfriend.

Critical Grandma (other end of table)- The nitpicker who constantly badgers the spinster on why she can’t just find a nice, classy man to settle down with.

Grandpa Telling War Stories (next to grandma)- Sits at the end of the table only because he’s the self-proclaimed leader of the family because he has the most life experience. “This one time in ‘Nam…” 

Grandpa With Smoker’s Cough (next to grandpa)- Spends most of the time at dinner keeping the peace by coughing over everyone’s voices. 

Grandma Asking Questions (next to grandpa)- Constantly turns to the college graduate on her left just to ask how old she is over and over again. “Well my, you’ve just gotten so big!”

College Graduate- As she enters the real world, she spends most of dinner convincing her parents to continue paying her phone bill. “Wait… you mean I’m expected to pay for rent AND insurance?!”

College Grad’s Boyfriend- No one’s really sure why his or her sweet, intelligent daughter/niece/granddaughter is dating a guy with such a big ego. “But he’s totally like Abercrombie model status.”

Cat (under table)- Obviously mellow and mature enough to sit under the adult’s table (unlike the dog).

 

Kid’s Table

14-Year-Old Girl On Phone- “Wait hold on, I just have to Instragram a picture of my plate!!!”

12-Year-Old Boy on Play Station Portable- Hasn’t touched his food all night because killing zombies is way cooler than eating.

8-Year-Old Boy Eating Mac and Cheese- The little kid that everyone loves because he’s just so cute, but at the same time wonders why he gets to eat baby food while everyone else has to eat… like… vegetables.

17-Year-Old Girl- Wonders the entire dinner why she’s still at the kid’s table. “I’m like practically legal.”

Kid Feeding Dog- He obviously didn’t take that much food to eat by himself. Maybe he just really likes animals.

Dog- Waits under the table.

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