Recently, a Yahoo! News blog released a story about a 290-pound man named Martin Kessman who is suing White Castle because he cannot fit into the booths.

The White Castle devotee is taking them to federal court, claiming they have violated the Americans with Disabilities Act.  He’s comparing himself to pregnant women and the handicapped.

No matter how hilarious this may be at first, I am so envious of this man.  Why?  He actually has a White Castle to go to.

For all you mathematical geniuses out there, here are some noteworthy ratios.  The banks-to-White Castle ratio inWestport is 29 to 0.  The Starbucks-to-Sonic ratio is 4 to 0, and the Dunkin’ Donuts-to-Panda Express ratio is also 4 to 0. The lack of fast food chains around here is ridiculous (no, Shake Shack doesn’t count, though it’s incredibly good).

But let’s focus more onWhite Castle for a minute.  For my generation, who grew up with Harold and Kumar as their Batman and Robin, the absence of White Castle is particularly aggravating.  How are we supposed to follow in their footsteps without a White Castle around?

This mention of Harold and Kumar brings me to my next rant.  It is no secret that there is plenty of alcohol and marijuana inWestport.  A few teenagers around here may even use these substances.  On the weekends, after Five Guys closes at10 p.m., there is only one fast food place for all of the inebriated kids to go if they’re hungry, and that’s the McDonald’s at the intersection of Roseville and the Post Road.

Late on Fridays and Saturdays, McDonald’s becomes a congregation of the intoxicated; aMeccafor the obnoxious and half-conscious.  This can be quite irritating when you just want a late-night burger.  All we need is a few more fast food chains around here to put these poor McDonald’s employees out of their misery.

And don’t get me started on the Arby’s.  A disco roller rink in downtown Westport would have more customers than that place.  It’s always empty.

I spoke to Tim Holmes, a sixteen-year-old who lives on Long Island, three minutes from a White Castle.  He describes their food as “mouthwatering, delicious burgers”.

“I’m not sure what I would do if my local White Castle shut down”, he explained. “It’s a major hangout spot for me and my friends.  The food is consistently delicious, which is why we always go back.”

The bottom line is, for kids around here,WhiteCastleshouldn’t be more difficult to access than dime bags and 40s.

Plus, if you want to attract that hot girl in your English class, there’s no classier place to take her than a WhiteCastle.