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Make it stop!: Eldest children face excessive and unnecessary pressures, anxiety

Rachel Olefson ’25, Web News Editor|January 16, 2023

As a result of going through experiences before any younger siblings, eldest siblings often suffer from anticipatory anxiety about being unsure of things like the college application process, what classes to take, and general life advice, putting them at a disadvantage in comparison to their peers who fall in a different spot in their family’s birth order.

As my sixteenth birthday began to approach with the start of the new year, my already-terrible anxieties pertaining to just about everything in my life started to worsen and flood my brain with questions: how do I apply for the camp I want to work at this summer? Should I be speaking to a college counselor yet? When do I need to start studying to take the SAT or ACT? Which class is easier: AP Literature or AP Language?

All questions that could be easy enough to answer if my life had the one thing it was missing: an older sister.

Of course, I recognize that I’m not the only person ever to be in this situation, but it often felt like my friends all had siblings they could hang out with, steal clothes from and most importantly, get advice from.

As it turns out, anticipatory anxiety and general anxiety about the future is not uncommon in eldest children of a family, specifically in eldest daughters. These children not only have to deal with the headache known as growing up, but they often feel alone with no one to share the load.

“If you are a card-carrying first-born, you may have been given a ton more responsibility than your siblings growing up,” Psychotherapist Caroline Plumer said.

The best present you could get your child to ensure the sweetest of sixteenth birthdays, in my opinion at least, is a trip to the DMV to take their driving learner’s permit test. However, while many of my friends are excited to drive to reap the rewards of the seemingly endless freedom that come with it, only one thing comes to mind when I think of getting my license: driving my little sister and her friends around.

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As it turns out, anticipatory anxiety and general anxiety about the future is not uncommon in eldest children of a family, specifically in eldest daughters.

— Rachel Olefson ’25

It’s that I’m not excited to get to spend more time with my sister, but I genuinely can’t think of anything worse than having to schlep across town with a car full of screaming sixth graders to drop them off at Starbucks or Urban Outfitters.

“A psychotherapist explained that eldest daughters carry so much burden because it is a behavior learnt at a very young age…”, Project Child said. “They spent such a little time being children, but they soon had to adapt into an older figure by the time they have younger siblings.”

While the same sister’s biggest concern is what language to take once she arrives at Bedford, I’m busy worrying about next year’s upcoming college visits, AP classes and taking the SAT test, all things I know next to nothing about. Christina Ramirez, a professor at the Dominican University of California, ran a study and found that being the eldest child does, in fact, come with a load of anxieties.

“These findings have led me to hypothesize that older children experience more anxiety than younger children,” Ramirez said.

Believe it or not, the first time that I truly felt represented in all my big-sister glory was when I watched Disney’s “Encanto.” In the movie, one character named Luisa is given the gift of physical strength. However, as she explains to her little sister Mirabel in a song titled “Surface Pressure”, she feels as though this gift might actually be more of a curse.

“Give it to your sister and never wonder if the same pressure would’ve pulled you under,” Luisa said, “Who am I if I don’t have what it takes?”

According to an article by Sebastian Stoddard for Collider, this portrayal of pressure put on eldest children speaks to their relationships with not only their families, but also with themselves and their own internal dialogues.

“[Luisa] has a perfectionist mentality, shown in her need to carry all the weight her family puts on her and worrying that if she fails, she’ll be of no value to those surrounding her,” Stoddard said. “She is used to everyone saying that she can carry the load, and she feels she can’t refuse, lest it cause trouble for everyone else.”

Similarly to Luisa, I constantly find myself wondering what would happen if I were to all of a sudden not be able to handle the expectations I have for myself. I mean, I clearly have to set the bar high in school, get good grades, do well in sports, all while keeping everything under control… right?

While there isn’t a one-size-fits-all solution to the ongoing strain known as being the eldest child in your family, there is one thing I know for sure: as I’ve thought about it more and more throughout the years, I seem to be the one making my life even more strenuous. While I don’t have an older sibling to look up to, I also don’t have anyone whose shadow I’ve been cast into. Either way, I know I’ll be able to talk it through with my sister as I chauffeur her around town next year.