The Apocalypse Has Begun

Power+lines+hold+up+branches+that+fell+during+Hurricane+Sandy.

Bailey Ethier

Power lines hold up branches that fell during Hurricane Sandy.

I never believed in the famed apocalypse that according to the Mayan calendar is going to happen Dec. 21, until last week.

The good news is that the world isn’t just going to suddenly end. The bad news is that this apocalypse will be a slow and painful one.

You’re probably thinking to yourself, “What is he talking about? Just because there was a hurricane doesn’t mean the world is ending,” and you’re totally right. But Super Storm Sandy hasn’t been the only weird natural disaster recently.

The other day there was a snowstorm in North Dakota. Now you may be thinking, who cares, it’s North Dakota? But two of North Dakota’s main exports are coal and oil. It’s obvious that the apocalypse will begin by taking away all of our fossil fuels, something Sandy reminds me I love.

No fossil fuels means no electricity. Eventually all our phones and computers will run out of juice, and if I don’t finish at least season three of “Breaking Bad” on Netflix, someone is going to pay.

The other day, there was also an earthquake in Canada that triggered a tsunami that header to Hawaii. Not only is the apocalypse trying to destroy our fossil fuels, but also our entertainment.

Think about it: what grows in Hawaii? Pineapples. And who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob. The apocalypse will not attack the White House, but SpongeBob’s house.

Even if some kind of fruit randomly landed in bikini bottom, there is no way Nickelodeon would have SpongeBob live in a banana under the sea.

Rather than relocate its star under water to another fruit,   Nickelodeon will instead cancel the show, depriving America’s children of quality entertainment. I can’t imagine a world without SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy (I’ll refrain from making a Hurricane Sandy-SpongeBob joke).

Lastly, there’s this pretty big hurricane that you may have heard about named Sandy that goes past Toronto, Canada. A hurricane big enough to hit Canada will destroy our maple syrup supple, and we won’t be able to survive without having maple syrup on our pancakes.

Seriously, when’s the last time you ate pancakes without maple syrup? That’s right, never.

Now, if you excuse me, I plan on enjoying the last weeks of my life and you should, too. Go buy all the gas at all the gas stations and stock up on maple syrup so you can laugh at those without any.

Also, make sure to download every “SpongeBob” episode ever while you can so after Nickelodeon cancels it, you can reminisce for the rest of your life.

And just imagine the wrath of all the children who weren’t able to go trick-or-treating. That alone may end the world.