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The New Canon of Christmas Carols

Photo by www.ladygaga.com
Photo by www.ladygaga.com

Petey Menz ’11
News Editor

Photo by www.ladygaga.com
Photo by www.ladygaga.com

Though the history of Christmas hymns dates back to Rome, it was not until the thirteenth century that Christmas carols, partially driven by St. Francis of Assisi, became popular. St. Francis would not have been familiar with the concept of a Christmas tree, as it did not gain prominence until the sixteenth century; however, there is no doubt that he would have been shocked with it being used in the way Lady Gaga talks about in her song “Christmas Tree.”

Yes, it’s true; Christmas songs are no longer just the Perry Como and Gene Autry tunes of yore. Sure, Lady Gaga’s not anyone’s idea of a wholesome Christmas caroller, and her song “Christmas Tree” isn’t anyone’s idea of a wholesome Christmas carol, but she represents the changing world of Christmas music. It’s not just about Frosty anymore, and that change can be a little confusing. For the benefit of all, I’ve compiled a list of the hippest, creepiest, and flat-out weirdest Christmas songs that may not have popped up in the latest TV special. Enjoy.

Lady Gaga – Christmas Tree

Click here to download.

Disclaimer: Song contains sexually suggestive lyrics.

While Christmas may be about the virgin birth of the baby Jesus, there’s absolutely nothing virginal about this Christmas track. Instead of expanding her lyrical range for this song, Lady Gaga simply combines the standard elements of Christmas tunes (decking the halls, mistletoe, and Chrismas Trees) with her primary concern- sex. Musically, it’s the same way- a strange hybrid of Gaga’s trashy dance pop and familiar Christmas melodies. If Santa’s laugh isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you think of the word “ho,” then this song may be for you.

RUN-DMC – Christmas in Hollis

Click here to listen.

The only difference between this songs and every other one of Run-DMC’s drum machine-driven hip-hop tracks is that some sleigh bells are added to their minimal palette. A music box melody pops up at one point, and the lyrics do seem to have something to do with Santa, but that’s about all that distinguishes this song from “It’s Tricky,” or “Walk This Way.” Not that that’s a bad thing; the track kicks just as hard as any of the songs from their masterful 1986 album “Raisin’ Hell,” and the groups’s two rapper, Run and DMC, kick it just as hard as they usually do. Basically, this track is the perfect excuse to add a little old school rap to the Christmas season. The fact that “macaroni and cheese” is rhymed with “Santa puts gifts under Christmas trees” is just icing on the cake.

Cristina – Things Fall Apart

Click here to listen.

I’m not totally sure this counts as a “Christmas” song, as tracks of that genre would usually include a celebration of the Christmas spirit and generally uplifting lyrics. “Things Fall Apart” features lyrics that concern disgust with parties, problematic love lives, and overwhelming depression. However, there are three things that still make this a Christmas song; the seasonal melody, the fact that the disillusioned narrative does concern the holiday season, and the immortal line “he licked me like a candy cane.”

Family Force 5 – Grandma Got Ran Over by a Reindeer

Click here to Listen.

This is crunkcore, a style that Kerrang! magazine called the worst genre of music ever created. This is the well-known Christmas tune “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer”. Now, Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer is a weird song already; now imagine it played in the “crunkcore” style. Try this in your head before you hear the crunkcore band Family Force Five’s cover of this song; I guarantee you that whatever you imagine will be better than the actual version.

James White – Christmas with Satan

Click here to listen!

James Chance (AKA James White) is a man whose most prominent appearance comes on one of the most obscure noise albums of the 1970s, whose oeuvre consists of manic noise-funk jams, complete with his screamed vocals and screaming saxophone, and whose one and only Christmas song is quite possibly one of the best ever recorded. It’s ten minutes long. It embraces a worldview somewhere between Scroogelike and nihilistic. For the first two and a half minutes, White bashes on the piano and screams about himself being sent to the electric chair. After that little burst of atonality, the beat kicks in. Forget what I said about Run-DMC- when it comes to Christmas funkiness, this takes on all challengers. The beat never lets up, Chance never goes twenty seconds without his bizarre vocal interjections, the horns parody the melodies of Christmas carols, and at about six minutes in, a disinterested female chorus starts singing about getting down with Satan. Sure, playing this track will probably get you on the naughty list; but it’s the perfect antidote to hearing “Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer” one time too many.

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  • C

    CaeliiNov 13, 2011 at 7:27 pm

    That’s a mold-breaker. Great tihnknig!

    Reply