Listen bro,

It’s Winter. It’s cold. It’s pants season.

Don’t believe me? Take a gander outside, or jump on over to weather.com for Pete’s sake! God only knows who Pete is, but that’s beside the point. I’m not sure where you missed the memo, but I swear to you, it’s winter. I’m not lying. Every morning, there you are, slinging the backpack over your shoulder, and marching through the school door… in shorts!

And every morning, I’m baffled.

I don’t know whether you think your kneecaps are the most gorgeous things since Candice Swanepoel, or if you think by wearing shorts, “the man” can’t put you down? I just don’t get it. But I do get that the trend (or lack of) needs to end.

The claim I often hear is that “I don’t get cold.” Sorry bud, that defense is used more often than a self-proclaimed comedian in a 7th grade social studies class studying court cases. The jokester who states “I plead the fifth” to a teacher’s question? Talk about overkill!

You may not get cold, but just looking at you gives the rest of us a chill.

I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that anything above, eh, let’s call it… 45 degrees Fahrenheit is fair game for shorts. But that means according to CBS weather, there are four months, if not a fifth, where the average temperature is below 45 degrees, and three where it doesn’t even come close. That’s cold.

C’mon man!

Okay, look. I get it. Pants are not as comfortable as shorts. Agreed. And jeans can be restricting. You got me there. But, if your goal is to remain comfortable, let me provide you with a simple solution: Sweatpants. Although a little too “lazy” (if I’m nice) for school, in my opinion, they’re better than shorts. In fact, I’ll take that bum Justin Bieber’s “swaggie” parachute pants over shorts anyday.

For those of you who haven’t heard of these life-altering pants, I’m more than happy to fill you in. Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary defines sweatpants as, “loose, warm trousers with an elasticized or drawstring waist.” Bingo! Gee whiz! Holy Smokes! There ya have it folks: a way to stay comfortable, warm, and not look like you just moved here from Hawaii and haven’t figured out the concept of winter.

To your surprise I’m sure, when it is cold, people wear pants, not shorts. Wearing shorts in cold months is not on GQ’s hottest trends from 1000 BC to ever, you’re not impressing any smokin’ babes with your manliness, and you just look silly cold. Stop doing it. Not for me, but for you.

It’s not a question of personal preference; it’s a matter of common practice.