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Orthodontists Are Evil

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt (http://flic.kr/p/6qFjhn)
Photo by D Sharon Pruitt (http://flic.kr/p/6qFjhn)

Alix Neenan ’12
Features Editor

Photo by D Sharon Pruitt (http://flic.kr/p/6qFjhn)

You know the drill. You wait in an uncomfortable sitting room that reeks of alcohol and toothpaste, with “The Suite Life of Zack and Cody” playing as background noise. There are grimy children scampering around beneath your feet like rats. You would pick up last year’s issue of “Parenting,” but the lady with the mustache beat you to it.

The nurse, dressed in blindingly bright blue scrubs, calls your name. You get up and follow behind her. She seats you down in a plastic-covered plastic chair, and tells you to wait. If you’re lucky, you’ll only have to wait 45 minutes. Of course, the seat that you’re sitting in has no service, whatsoever. That’s so you can’t call the police to rescue you.

You wait and wait and wait (they like having you wait, because it increases tension), and then the orthodontist comes in. They take a quick glance at your teeth, proclaim some sort of problem, and walk out, checking their gold Rolex watch.

The horrors that orthodontists impose on us are both vulgar and unconstitutional. It seems like every time I see a kid walking out, they’re either bloody, crying, holding their jaw in pain, or all of the above.

First, they tell you your teeth are messed up, and that it is vital that you change them. Otherwise, your life will be ruined. Forever. No one with bad teeth ever got anywhere in life. I mean, only the first 30 presidents of our country didn’t have dental care.

Then, they put a miniature medieval torture device to “expand” your mouth. If you’re really lucky, they’ll give you one that wraps around your whole head so people can laugh at you.

After that, they start pulling teeth. 90 percent of them are baby teeth that will fall out anyway, therefore making the painful extraction completely unnecessary. But I hope you’re noticing a pattern here. Everything orthodontists do has no point, whatsoever.

Well, that’s not completely true. All of these “necessary” procedures do have one very important motive behind them: it puts your money into the orthodontist’s pocket. How much money do braces cost? Three thousand dollars! If we do a quick calculation, the metal probably costs $50, maybe $100. Probably about 15 hours are spent putting them on, taking them off, and maintaining them, multiply that by $60 to cover the pay for nurses and secretaries. That leaves the orthodontist a whopping $2050.

But I digress. The next step in your journey to perfect teeth is the most painful (physically and mentally) procedure of all: getting braces on. Not only will they hurt for about 54 days after getting them on, but you won’t be able to have gum, popcorn, and caramel (theoretically, but this law is about as much obeyed as the speed limit). If you do, then if your braces break, it isn’t your orthodontist’s fault, but yours.

They create all of these possible liabilities that create a wall of distrust between you and your parents. They expect you to brush three times a day, floss twice, use fluoridated mouthwash, use regular mouthwash, and wear your retainer for the 10 hours that you sleep.

I don’t know about you, but I consider six hours a good night’s sleep. And I’m definitely not about to let that be ruined by an uncomfortable retainer.

But of course, the fact that the retainer is uncomfortable isn’t the orthodontist’s fault. It’s mine.

But it’s never the orthodontist’s fault! I remember once at a checkup, they thought I had a cavity, and told me to go to my dentist to get it checked out. Uh, yeah. It was just a shadow. I went back to the orthodontist’s a week later, and they didn’t even apologize, but merely said “everyone makes mistakes.” Who do you think you are, Hannah Montana? Nobody’s perfect, but doctors should be. I’m putting my teeth in your hands, and if you can’t even discern a gaping black hole between a slight shadow, I really don’t trust you with laughing gas. At least be willing to take some blame. It would be a lot more reassuring.

And I don’t even want to discuss the inane “Smile Points” club. It’s where, if you come in with your “bag and a good attitude” 50 or so times, you get a $5 gift certificate to Coldstone (which technically, because it has sugar, you aren’t supposed to eat).

This method of silencing the crowds with little trinkets is very reminiscent of Rome, when the lords and kings would pacify the roaring mass, make them forget their pain by giving them theater shows. Or when factory owners would give their workers hams once a year.

This is not okay. We, as independently thinking teenagers, should rise up against the terrible oppression that orthodontists impose on us. We shouldn’t have to wear metal on our teeth for three years. We shouldn’t have to get our teeth pulled. We shouldn’t have to be expected to wear a retainer for 10 hours every night. We have more important things on our mind, like homework, and friends, and figuring out how to get out of 2012 alive. Yeah, straight teeth are nice, but they won’t do you any good if you’re a hobo, friendless, or dead.

And their statistics? “You live three more years if you have good teeth?” Complete propaganda. I won’t believe a word of it. Just look at the oldest people in the world. They probably didn’t have braces. They achieved their high age through a consistent eating and exercising regime, not through good orthodontia.

It’s not right, that our nation has gotten to the point of micro-managing our body so much that we spend thousands upon thousands of dollars on orthodontia. Having perfect teeth won’t give you a perfect life. We are giving our children the completely wrong image when we make them go through mass amounts of pain in order for them to have a “beautiful smile.” If you are truly confident in yourself, your smile will be beautiful, even if it is crooked and yellow.

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  • A

    AnonymousFeb 5, 2021 at 11:54 am

    Thank you! Finally someone who thinks like me!

    Reply
  • C

    ChristinaMar 2, 2020 at 3:56 pm

    I completely agree with this article. The assertion that keeping teeth clean is a major motivator makes no sense to me. Most people I know with cavities have gotten them on their back teeth on the chewing surfaces. How is this changed by fixing crooked teeth? The chewing surfaces will always be there. After much research, I’ve learned that your body views orthodontic work as an injury. This information was never provided to me, and should be something that’s required to be disclosed. I mean, if a doctor were to break your leg to fix it, without telling you that’s what they needed to do, no one would put up with this. In addition, I’ve found studies showing that these retainers can cause gum inflammation. I can visibly see it on my gums. Rather than forcibly moving teeth, we need to be figuring out what causes malocclusions to develop in the first place, so the cause can be addressed, which would prevent the need to cause this injury to your body, and lifetime retainer wear.

    Reply
  • N

    nyneva kyteJun 27, 2019 at 1:02 am

    More terrifying is after all that, a couple decades down the road I discover that the roots of several of my teeth are resorbing, literally as a result of “aggressive orthodontal work, with no recourse but extraction. So I guess all that time, money and pain and humiliation was for nothing after all.
    Now the worst part is I’m being told my child needs braces. For cosmetic purposes I would tell them to go fuck themselves, but they’re insisting that not fixing it now will lead to multiple crowns down the road. I’m feeling very much coerced, in a damned if I do, damned if I don’t sort of way. And I’m finding it impossible to get alternate advice. Any suggestions ie legit studies etc?

    Reply
  • A

    AndrewApr 29, 2019 at 1:15 pm

    I agree 100%

    Reply
  • B

    ButkusFeb 4, 2019 at 1:39 am

    I hate my orthodontist. He puts a thing in my mouth and when I tell him I can’t breathe he says we are almost done, And then two hours later I’m still in the office dying. Sounds like fun, right?

    Reply
  • A

    An Anonymous RevolutionaryJun 22, 2018 at 10:35 am

    I agree with you entirely, Alix. The attempt of the hostile to defend himself at the top of the comments section was just pitiful. And I can clearly see that there are frenzied masses of angry teens that feel much the same. And the entire profession is the EPITOME of bourgeoisie, so I can probably get the local socialists in on it too. We must launch a wholesale revolution against these literally chaining, torturous tyrants!
    Break the chains! Break the chains!

    Reply
  • J

    JoshMar 21, 2016 at 12:20 am

    Well orthodontics is a bunch of bullshit. I’m up at 12:15 AM and I’m in an ungodly amount of pain due to Orthodontics. This “perfect teeth” shit has gone too far. I’m not paying $3000 for you orthodontics to “make my smile better”. $3000 after braces, smile is still the same (my smile was never bad, even before braces believe it or not) and I am honestly paused. 3 years of getting my gums and inside of my mouth cut to hell and back constantly, to the point of when I went to my dentists they asked “what the hell did your orthodontist do to you?” Has pissed me off. If you are an orthodontist I hope you know that you’re causing all of us teens to go through hell for no damn reason. To all orthodontists in the world: FUCK YOU ALL OF US TEENAGERS HATE YOU

    Reply
  • M

    mattApr 7, 2011 at 4:50 pm

    My parents spent almost 20 grand on my braces and a jaw surgery that an orthodontist told them I needed because otherwise i would get bucked teeth. when it was all finished I was very upset with the results, and now i hate orthodontists. I wish I knew earlier that I was fine the way us, but I was impressionable and insecure, and they took advantage of that just to get my money. I don’t think orthodontists care if your teeth look better or not as long as they get their money. At my orthodontists office there were peoples before and after pictures and a lot of the before pictures looked much better than the after ones.

    Reply
  • W

    Wael KanaanMay 31, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Dear Alix, 

    As an orthodontist, I agree with some legitimate points that you raised. However, remember that many kids need braces not only to straighten their teeth for cosmetic reasons but also to: 
    1. Enhance their ability to brush and floss their teeth as crooked teeth are harder to brush and keep clean
    2. Enhance pronunciation in cases where the front teeth don’t meet each other
    3. Enhance the self-esteem especially with girls. I know boys care less about straight teeth, but I know a lot of girls who don’t smile because of their crooked teeth
    4. Enhance your chewing as patients with crooked teeth tend to spend more time chewing food
    5. Decrease possible future trauma for bucked teeth, Deep bit,… etc

    As far as pain, i think your orthodontist is an old doctor. Modern technology enabled us to use super light wires for maximum patients comfort and minimum pain.  We advice patients to take a pain killer if the pain with braces is substantial. This is most commonly with older patients as their bone is tighter and denser

    Waiting is a problem in the whole medical and dental field in the US. This is because of the nature of our service where we have to take care of patients. Let’s say you have an appointment at 3:00 p.m. for 15 minutes. If you came with broken brackets, then I have to fix them for you. This will take more than 15 minutes and will put the next patient’s appointment behind. 

    My advice for those of you who hate waiting like me is to take the first appointment in the morning or the first one after lunch break. This will assure you an immediate seating.

    Last but not least, life is not only about home work, friends and 2012. Life is a big garden with a lot of flowers to take  care of at different stages. Successful people knows how to take care of these flowerer all together.

    Thanks 

    Wael Kanaan, DDS MS

    P.S. I never heard that people with straight teeth live 3 years longer, where did you get this from? 

    Reply