Jack Hennessy ’10
Web Sports Editor

According to Hennessy, field hockey is not a real sport.

I love sports. Always have. I love to discuss them, hear about them, watch them, write about them, and of course, play them. My friends and I often argue about which are the true sports. The ones that are, in fact, sports and not activities. I’m here to set the record straight. Some of them definitely enter the gray area but here is my opinion on their true labels.

I thought I’d start off by first making sure everyone knows which so-called sports are the real sports. Football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, and hockey are sports. There is no debate for any of these, so don’t even try.

The following groups represent all the wannabe sports.

We’ll begin with skiing, fishing, bowling, horseback riding, and golf. These are not sports; they are hobbies. Golf included. Think about it, the only athletic golfer on the tour got so bored that he needed 20 mistresses to keep himself entertained. Playing golf is like wasting an entire day hiking with a bag of weights on your back. Watching it is like dying.

Horseback riding? I don’t think so. You’re having an animal do all the work for you. That’s all there is to it.

Fishing and bowling didn’t even come close. If I can do them when I’m 100 years old then they are not sports. The fact that bowling actually has a professional league for all those who excel at this hobby is a joke. Who would take time out of their day to watch others bowl? The new PBA commercials end with the closing line of “Sundays are for Bowling.” Sundays are not for bowling. And Sundays are especially not for watching bowling. I think I can speak for everyone when I say bowling is for one, maybe two, nights out of the year when you simply cannot think of anything else to do.

I love skiing. But it’s not a sport. The only good skiers are the people who can afford to take constant vacations to Vermont or out west, rent houses, buy the latest pair of $300 skis, and purchase $100 lift tickets. News flash: that’s not a lot of people.

The next section I had to make for two activities that were simply indefinable. This is the miscellaneous section. The first is gymnastics. I have literally nothing against gymnasts. In fact, I bet they are in better shape than most athletes who play real sports. But I just couldn’t label this a sport. With the multiple events and complex judging aspect, it really isn’t a sport. I mean if one judge is in a bad mood and gives someone a four for the floor competition when that same judge would have normally given that person a six, then I shy away from its legitimacy. There’s just too much variability.

The second is swimming. I also respect the hell out of swimmers and their intense workout regimens, but in the end, swimming is a survival technique, not a sport. Swimmers have just figured out how to not drown better than the rest of us.

We’ve arrived at the plain old activities portion. Cheerleading, track, and ultimate Frisbee are activities. I’m sorry, but cheerleading only exists because of another sport. And no, Inklings is not out to get the cheerleading team. Just remember, this is one person’s opinion. Deep breaths.

I’m going to quickly transition away from that with track. Track is not a sport. Running around in circles just doesn’t fit the criteria. Especially considering it’s just a way to keep in shape for real sports. Love you Laddie (please don’t cut me).

Ultimate Frisbee is also an activity. Play it with your dog if you really must do it.

I will next talk about the poser sports. NASCAR, field hockey, figure skating, and, of course, lacrosse. That’s right, lacrosse. It’s a Native American Tradition, not a sport. And this has nothing to do with the fact that I’m a baseball player.

Figure skating is also not a sport. It makes no difference to me that it’s in the Olympics. So is curling.

Field hockey is definitely not a sport. For the sake of avoiding a trip to the assistant principal, I must withhold my reasons. I’ll l be honest, they are offensive.

NASCAR? Hell no. My summary of race car driving: whoever can hold the pedal to the floor the longest without crashing. I really don’t care that it’s supposedly the most popular “sport” in the country. That’s just because of all the southerners who don’t know any better.

And lastly, I am adding one more sport to the legitimate list. That sport is dodgeball.

The final list, therefore, of true sports is as follows: football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, hockey, and last, but certainly not least, dodgeball.

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