Staples boys’ luscious locks bring a breath of fresh hair


When it’s short, it’s a shock or a buzz or a cut or a coif. When it’s long, it’s a mane or a mop or flow, or lettuce — in fact, in the case of lettuce, sometimes it’s a full house salad. When it needs to be tamed, it can get a trim or a shear or, most commonly, a dome slice. And when it needs to be washed, what better method than the classic “lather, rinse, repeat” for both shampoo and conditioner? Twice.

“Take care of what yo’ mama gave you.”Joey Schulman ’14 said, who has a head of hair that has been compared to that of Miranda Cosgrove and Bradley Cooper and even a dark-haired Ellen DeGeneres.

Schulman, who admittedly takes a brazen pride in his hair, says that despite all the emphasis girls put into their hairstyles, it’s really the guys’ hair that matters the most.

“Hair to a daily appearance is everything,” Schulman said. “When you sit down for an interview, you want them to think in their head, ‘Wow, this guy takes good care of his hair. He must be an amazing worker. I think I’m going to hire him.’”

Fellow classmate Ethan Mellin ’14, whose hair, he says, has comparisons “to the likes of the biblical Samson,” agrees.

“Great hair equals confidence,” he said. “Confidence equals high-paying jobs; high-paying jobs equal money; money equals success, and success equals happiness, obviously.”

Yet, to physical education teacher Michael Caetano and his now school-wide infamous hairdo — a head of hair that, according to him, hasn’t been fully cut in nearly a year, and a beard that was last shaved back around October 2013 — his hairstyle is not about material gain. It’s about personal discovery.

“I wanted to experience life from the longer side,” Caetano said. “It’s just me doing me. I don’t care what people think.”

Still, that’s not to say he doesn’t take pride in his hair care. Caetano says he washes his mane twice a day, with, of course, both shampoo and conditioner. Schulman and Mellin, too, use the one-two shampoo-conditioner punch, choosing to use a Red Herbal Essence and Aussie “Confidently Clean” variety, respectively.

Although their washing styles are consistent, the boys’ daily prep drastically varies. While Caetano says he does “absolutely nothing” but wake up and comb it, Mellin says he spends four to six hours in front of the mirror every morning — “give or take a few.” Schulman, still, takes a different method entirely, showering each morning and subsequently throwing a hat on his head to mat his up-do down.

“It’s been working out great so far,” Schulman said.

Nonetheless, great hair does not come without its caveats — and surprises. For Mellin, this comes in the form of people insulting him by saying his hair is “too nice.” But for Schulman, his surprise came one night while hanging out at a club with a friend.

“Some guy came behind me and said, ‘Can I buy you a drink honey?’ I turned and said sure,” Schulman said. “When he saw my face, it was like he was expecting a girl or something, so I guess I’ve had guys hitting on me.”

As for Caetano, he says he’s faced a bit of an adjustment.

“My entire life, nobody ever said I looked like anyone,” Caetano said. “Now I can’t keep track of the list of people I’ve been compared to.”

Schulman says as long as he keeps getting comparisons to Brad Cooper, he’ll stick with shoulder-long locks.

“Ever since my hair has gotten long, I get better service at restaurants, people actually hold the door open for me now, and it has improved my basketball game,” Schulman said.

“Thanks to my hair, I’ll pass people in the hall, and they’ll tell me that I’m the best looking kid at Staples. Hands down.”