Five Stars for the Oscars


Each year, I watch the awards for the comedy alone. Even though the people I watch with inevitably end up yelling at me for my running commentary and constant laughing, I simply can’t resist. The awards are a comedic goldmine, and I love them for it. I like to divide the show into three sections, each providing endless amusement.

1. The whole fiasco begins with the red carpet, one of my favorite parts. Celebrities strut down that carpet, posing after every step they take. They look stunning, their hair is professionally done, and they’re wearing dresses that cost more than the car I’m probably going to get when I turn 16. Yet, there is something that dulls the glitter of these poor celebrities.

The critics.

There they stand, a small huddle of TV show hosts, waiting like vultures to pounce on whatever dress they find unsatisfactory. And the celebrities know it. You can see the tension: their set jaws, their eye twitches, their subtle flinches as they see the critics glancing at their gowns.

Everyone acts as though they are the best of friends, and there is the comedy of it all. As the one objective bystander, you laugh at their pain as you watch from the sidelines.

2. Watching the celebrities file into the awards auditorium is like watching students file into the lunchroom. People scan the room with narrowed eyes, glaring at their competitors and past rivals. They glaze a fake smile onto their perfectly made-up faces, but you alone, the viewer, can see the fire that glows within their eyes.

The best part of watching the celebrities saunter into the room is creating backstories. Watch the emotional roller coaster that is playing out on their faces, and imagine you know what they are thinking.

“Her dress looks like an ostrich committed cannibalism and threw up.”

“Looks like somebody needs a date with Jenny Craig—as fast as they can waddle there.”

“They’re a cute couple—if by cute you mean going to create an alternate race that combines humans and demons. So cute.”

If you really want to have fun at this years Academy Awards, watch for the eye-arrows that will fly between Brangelina.

3. The beginning of the awards ceremony is the best part for me. While many celebrate the winners, with their glowing facial expressions and the joy that shows easily on smiling faces, I turn to the losers for the real comedy.

As the winner is announced, the camera inevitably turns to two groups of people: those who have won and those who have not.

The glowering faces of those who have not won are absolutely priceless.

You watch them in their internal struggle. They believe that their work of genius is not being honored as it should be, yet, if they show it, everyone will be furious. Slowly, a smile begins to spread, and they golf-clap politely for the next few moments.

As the ceremony begins to fade into the lesser awards, the attention span of America (including mine) begins to dry up. The people winning the awards start to look like actual people, and I start to actually take pity on those who are losing. And, there, the comedy begins to fizzle out.

Yet, I would still like to thank the Academy—for the funniest awards show of the year.