[February 2018] SATIRE #Lost you but still gained followers

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Ellie Kravetz ’18

Dear @basketballboy22,

I hate to do this on the biggest holiday of the year (a.k.a. Valentine’s Day), but since you refuse to obsessively post about our love on social media, I must publicly break up with you on this Instagram post.

This shouldn’t come as a surprise. You literally gave me no choice.  I mean, I’ve dropped every hint in the book. I sent you screenshots of our friends who have already posted for Valentine’s Day. I sent you photos of us to remind you of how pretty I am. I did everything. But CLEARLY the importance of this sacred day didn’t register with you because you didn’t post on social media.

Don’t blame your gender and say Valentine’s Day is for the girls. Just take Billy, for example.  He posts pictures of Sasha ALL of the time. Sure, they’re always fighting in the cafeteria at lunch, but their profiles prove their invincible love. No one ever questions their relationship status.

How are all of my friends supposed to know if we are still dating if you aren’t constantly uploading pictures showing you with me? Think of it this way: if we are having fun and other people don’t see it, did we actually have fun? Didn’t think so.

Anyone who has used Instagram knows that good pictures take both time and effort to post.  You have to pick the right filter, the right time to post, the caption.  So, if you don’t put in enough time to Instagram, that translates to you not putting enough effort into our relationship.   I did all of that for you because I love you, yet you did nothing. If you really felt like no words could articulate your adoration, perhaps one of the 722 emojis on your keyboard could have.

You claim that you “never use social media,” yet you have 98 posts. Yes, we have only been dating for two weeks, but out of those 98 posts only twelve include me. That’s 8.17 percent of your page. Am I only 8.17 percent of your life?

Why would you post a picture of the fish you caught in Cape Cod last summer when I am the biggest catch you’ll ever get? Your Grandmother doesn’t even have an Instagram profile, yet you felt the need to post her a birthday shoutout? I mean seriously; get your priorities straight.

The Buzzfeed quiz I took this morning told me that I am the perfect girlfriend. After I got those positive results, I decided to take the quiz on your behalf, and you did not get my remarkable score.

Yes, the flowers you bought were pretty, but flowers die, unlike social media posts which never disappear.

 

Good bye 4-ever.

@heart_taker_and_breaker

Print Friendly, PDF & Email