An Open Letter To Serial Snapchat Story Makers

Notice the number in the top right corner.  Exhibit A.

Notice the number in the top right corner. Exhibit A.

Dear Snapchatters,

When your snapchat story is verging on 90 seconds and it is of your East-Asian homework at various angles and time stamps, you straddle a very thin-line of being a very big annoyance or even what I like to call a “serial snapchat story maker.” Either way, the result is the same: you are going to lose at minimum five buddies, your phone battery power, but most importantly, your dignity.

There are five scenarios that I would like to make you aware of that almost always call for an obligatory snapchat story.  Take caution, and avoid these situations at all costs.

1).  A Situation Where Your Friend Is Embarrassed:

No one can resist this.  Your friend fell asleep, and is coming very close to drowning in their own drool, or they may have spilt water on themselves in the upper thigh region.  Very different situations, very similar outcomes: a snapchat story.  If you encounter one of these situations walk away and never look back.

2).  Going out:

This is a very vast term, for many reasons.  A lot of people like to document the fact that yes, in fact, they do go other places besides their house and school, and they do have interactions that don’t just include their teachers and the Chartwells lunch ladies telling them they don’t have any more money.

Whether it be a red solo cup, captioned “turn up,” a freshly painted manicure, captioned “got ma nails did <34”, or a sunset picture, captioned “Bestport,” snapchat has become a means of announcing to your buddy list that you do, in fact, have some sort of social life, even if that red solo cup has apple juice in it and you are actually just having a quiet family dinner.

3) Being reunited with a long lost friend:

Or someone you haven’t seen in over three days.  These are usually captioned “reunited with bae” or something along these lines.  If your friend is returning from a war-torn country after three years, please, go ahead and make that your story, because that is probably a beautiful moment.   But, if your friend just came back from a couple days of college tours, there is no need to make this your snapchat story.

4).  A Concert:

Wow. These snapchat stories may actually be the death of me.  These snapchats always consist of someone going to a mediocre concert and recording 200 seconds from their seat in the nose-bleed section.  First of all, I can barely even hear anything besides the sound of them screaming the lyrics incorrectly, and the bright lights are blinding so I definitely will not be able to make out P-Diddy on my iPhone 5 screen.

5) The most absurd thing you have ever seen:

This is my one exception.  If you are in the face of literally the most absurd thing you have ever witnessed, feel more than free to document it, because after all, this is America, and this might actually be worth people’s time.

And last, but not least, remember what your mom always told you: it takes years to build a reputation, and only a 115 second snapchat story to ruin it.