The Real World: GOP

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Potential Republican Candidate Donald Trump of Celebrity Apprentice recently announced he would not be running for president in 2012. | Photo courtesy of MCTCampus

So far, the lineup of Republican candidates for President looks like the cast for a season of a reality TV show like Jersey Shore, if all of the cast members were middle aged. Every nominee is insane, and some of them even do absurd things to their hair.

With that being said, the best place to start would be, of course, Donald Trump. He already has experience hosting Celebrity Apprentice; so joining this circus of an election shouldn’t have been a stretch for him.

His short-lived campaign was dedicated to bashing the President on rumors about his citizenship and education. After Obama released his long–form birth certificate and had Osama Bin Laden shot in the eye, Trump decided that this was not his time and dropped out. My guess is since he could no longer hide behind conspiracy theories to garner publicity, he was afraid that his failings as a businessman and his contradictory policies were going to show up in the spotlight. He has filed for bankruptcy enough times to scare any fiscally responsible voter from trusting him, and has flip-flopped on some major issues. For example, in 2000 he supported universal healthcare for all Americans. Now he wants to repeal the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, or what he calls ‘Obamacare.’ That would have been tough to explain to Tea Party conservatives.

Of course, the real reason he quit was Celebrity Apprentice, Trump’s hit TV show. A candidate cannot be on television and run for President at the same time under FEC restrictions, and NBC was not going to let Trump end one of their most popular shows, especially when the network is currently being killed in the ratings battle.

So now that Trump has fired himself, who else is there? Fear not; the other characters currently running should keep all of us entertained this year.

Ron Paul is going to try to run again, after he took a shellacking in the 2008 primaries. This is the guy who wants to legalize heroin, because he trusts the American people to take care of themselves. He also wants to get rid of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, because “it’s a moral hazard to say that government is always going to take care of us when we do dumb things.”

Yes, because people who live where tornadoes, earthquakes, floods and hurricanes occur are total idiots.

He also would not have voted for The Civil Rights Act of 1964, because he believes that storeowners have the right to say, “we don’t serve your type here.”

I may live in the Westport bubble, but I’m pretty sure that racial equality is something that almost all Americans support at this point.

Speaking of discrimination, Herman Caine, the man who has openly admitted that he would not appoint Muslims to his cabinet, has also thrown his hat into the ring! As the former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, he clearly has the experience in government required to get things done.

Then there is Rick Santorum, the former Senator that once compared sodomy to “man on dog.” All you have to do is google his last name to figure out why he will not be winning an election anytime soon. (Warning: Do not google his last name if you have a weak stomach.)

One candidate that is going to have trouble with social issues is Newt Gingrich. As Speaker of the House, while trying to impeach President Clinton for cheating on his wife, he cheated on his own wife while she was fighting cancer. His excuse? He loves America too much. Seriously. He claimed:

“There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.”

Can you imagine any one of your friends trying out that excuse? “I’m sorry I was out past curfew, Mom! I just love this country so much!”

My personal favorite is Michelle Bachmann, the Tea Party queen from Minnesota. I cannot wait to see her attempt to rewrite our history and spew out partisan insults on the national stage! In the past she has claimed that the Founding Fathers fought tirelessly against slavery, even though most of them had slaves and were the ones that made slaves three–fifths of a person, as every single middle school student in America knows.

She even tried to blame swine flue on Obama, saying that it was an “interesting coincidence” that the last outbreak happened “under another Democratic President, Jimmy Carter.” As Politifact confirms, the last outbreak actually happened under Gerald Ford – a Republican.

I would like to believe that a legitimate candidate would emerge as the primaries get closer, but I just don’t see that happening. With the death of Osama Bin Laden and the incumbent advantage, Obama has all but won the 2012 election. Running against this President would be political suicide for any sane Republican politician, if sane Republicans still exist.

The next two years are going to be a mockery of the political process, but they are also going to be two years of great programming for the 24–hour news networks. So sit back, grab some popcorn and tune into CNN. The reality TV event of the decade is about to begin!

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