It's beginning to look a lot like winter: The many downfalls of the worst season of the year

Graphic by Tim Yang '11

‘Tis the season of the merry holidays, fluffy snow, delicious hot cocoa, and enjoyable sledding. However, ‘tis also the season of sleet, hail, hot tea, Advil, and car accidents. Oh boy!

When that first day of cold, windy, unwelcomed winter shows up on my doorstep, all I can do is begin my countdown to spring.

Why? Because winter makes everything worse.

Think about the winter and all that goes on, and see if you still like it. Can’t think of anything negative? Don’t worry, I’ll help you out.

Let’s begin with a scenario.

You wake up for school on a bright and snowy day, slide on some jeans, eat breakfast, and go out the door for school. Sounds like the normal routine is going well; as smooth as a zambonied ice rink.

Well not quite, because on your way out, though you carefully stepped over every slightly piled up mound of snow, somehow the snow has leapt off the ground and settled comfortably on the bottom of your pants. It appears some sort of inevitable magnetic pull causes this reaction every time a person takes one step into winter.

Now, you think it’s just water and it will dry by the time you get to school. But since you made that unwise decision to wear jeans, I wouldn’t expect it to dry any time before lunch period.

The inwettus-pantalonis phase, as scientists of my imagination call it, cause your ankles to itch and your lower body to stay cold until your jeans completely dry.

You can thank the snow for single-flake-edly causing your ankles to look like they’ve peed on themselves. Oh winter.

So you don’t think wet jeans is that big a deal? Want more?

Winter will suck about one thousand percent of all moisture out of your body, which in turn will cause your skin to shrivel up and almost die.

No one likes bloody, sandpaper knuckles, but, with winter, comes just that. And no amount of lotion can cure it, even if the Ahava vendors at the mall guarantee it.

Don’t worry, you’ll see your baby-soft skin once winter passes. You just need to get through five months of stinging, itching, cracking, bleeding, rough, and wrinkly grandma skin first.

Here’s another.

I never know what to do about outerwear.

Ask any mother and she will tell you to wear a jacket because it’s minus a million degrees outside, but ask any Staples student, and they’d probably be unsure.

Here are the options:

Bundle up cozily, or freeze your butt off.

Well, there it sounds easy, but when you put it into perspective, it’s a tad different.

No one uses their lockers except for the freshmen that haven’t figured out that it’s the reason why they’re always late to class. Most upperclassmen don’t even know their locker combinations anymore, and some don’t even remember ever having a locker.

So, when you arrive to school, warm and comfortable, you realize you have reached a dilemma. Where can you put your giant coat, gloves, scarf, and hat (or earmuffs?)

Some attempt to stuff if in their backpacks—I have yet to see a person succeed—while others are forced to drape their jackets over their arms and carry it from class to class. An annoyance that makes an already challenging Staples High School day all the more difficult.

So, with that we see that the other option is to quickly run outside jacketless, hop in your means of transportation, get to school, hop out, and run quickly into the heated school, freezing cold, yet empty-handed.

And if you are still not convinced that winter is the suckiest season of all, here are a few more reasons:

1. Always cold

2. Shorter days

3. Black ice

4. Slow traffic and more acci dents

5. Midterms

6. Always sick

7. Everything dies (i.e., flow ers, trees, happiness)

8. Everyone’s pale

9. Staticy clothes that attract every piece of hair within a 10

foot radius

10. Toe-socks (I find them nauseating.)

So, Winter, if you’re reading this, please remember that you are unwelcome here. I would really appreciate it if you didn’t show up this year.

However on a side note, spring, summer, and fall, I hope we’re still on for lunch.