Top Five Things to Get You Unfriended

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We’ve all been there. Everyone has thought about it. I have been tempted numerous times to sever ties on a virtual relationship. Yet, I have never actually had the audacity nor courage to push “the button” — the “remove from friends” button — on Facebook.

Only the lewdest of comments and the obscenest of gestures on the entire World Wide Web could cause someone to click the “unfriend” button on Facebook. I have conveniently broken down the top five offenses a friend can commit on Facebook to put them in “Facebook–friend purgatory.”

#1: Vulgar wallposts. Note to all Facebook users: a person’s wall is not a free ticket for an Eminem–flavored written communication. Please abstain from cussing and trash talking others on one of my status updates. For instance, one of my New York Giant–related posts once started a 40 plus comment battle–royal on my wall. Honestly, a Jets vs. Giants debate can take place in the lunchroom, not my personal Facebook page. Profanity truly has no place on Facebook. The next person who posts a piece of trash–talk on my wall gets a technical foul.

#2: Excessive event invitations. Sure we all feel popular when we receive an invitation to the “Clubbangers Red Hawt Party @ Supah FX Night Club” — but that truly is just one euphoria. Weekly invitations to these types of adult parties don’t interest me the least… especially on a Tuesday night. I’m also not interested in attending “Hug a Ginger Day” nor “Sign-up Now to Receive a New iPad Afternoon.” Please, change your password. Stop sending out spam event invitations. I will unfriend you — I hope.

#3: “Someone just answered a question about you” and other results from Facebook activities and quizzes. For Pete sake, I have no interest if you just answered a revealing question about me on Facebook. Please stop taking random Facebook quizzes to procrastinate home work. Nobody cares who will be the most successful in the future or who you would most likely hook up with at a party. It’s weird. It’s creepy. It’s annoying. Stop it. If you want to take quizzes to help with your procrastination effort, go to sporcle.com.

#4: Negative photo critique. Everybody has those unappealing, awkward photos of themselves linked to their profiles. Just because they exist, it isn’t a free ticket to criticize my wardrobe or the funny face I made in a “self–pic.” I have feelings too. The occasional wise–crack joke is fine. All I’m asking is that you don’t go on a photo–tirade and trash talk my entire profile picture photo shoot. They were chosen to be profile pictures for a reason, obviously they are amazing snapshots of me. Don’t trash talk it. If you do, then our virtual relationship is through.

#5: The random x-factor. This major Facebook “no–no” is a bit harder to explain. Here it goes: If I haven’t spoken to you in a while — and I’m talking no contact for months — under no circumstances should you “like” a large number of my wallposts or status updates. It’s a tad creepy. If you were trying to Facebook stalk me, you just lost your invisibility cloak. I clearly see what you’re doing. Trust me, you aren’t fooling anyone. Stop now, or you’ll be unfriended. It’s not a threat; it’s a half–hearted promise.

I don’t have the latest statistics on the number of friend removals a year, but I do know that if the question “What are the top five ways to get you unfriended on Facebook?” appeared on the “Family Feud,” these Facebook crimes will undoubtedly be the top five answers that would appear on the board. So, get yourselves to Facebook etiquette class. Tuition’s free. So there is no excuse for not going. I’ll send you all an event invitation on Facebook later today.

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