Eliza Hamburger ’10
I have a confession to make: I watch daytime television.
Actually, if you even remotely know me, that shouldn’t come as a surprise to you; I certainly talk about it enough.
My poor friends can attest to that, as I am constantly jabbering into their non–willing ears about what is going on in these horribly acted, terribly plotted and disgustingly written shows.
I can logically use these adjectives to describe soap operas, because, let’s face it, the fact that they are positively awful is pretty obvious.
Still, though, that doesn’t stop me from tuning in religiously every single weekday.
In fact, I crave it.
I make every effort to be home from three o’clock to four, even though I have DVR and have it set to tape every day and could easily not put my life on hold to go home and watch terrible TV.
If I cannot put off my responsibilities to watch soap operas, I still use my Blackberry to go online and read recaps that are written by other pathetic viewers while the show is airing.
No, I did not get a Blackberry just so I could do this.
Well, I mean that isn’t the only reason.
The bottom line is, I like soap operas.
And not in the wow–this–is–so–terrible–it’s–hilarious type of way, but in, like, the actually enjoy–it type of way.
It’s a guilty pleasure.
However, because I refuse to admit that I’m vapid enough to simply enjoy this trash, I am going to tell you all why watching soap operas is good for you.
Because, they totally are.
First of all, they make you feel good.
Believe me, there is nothing more gratifying after a crappy day of bad grades and too much work than going home and watching people murder their brothers accidentally because the local nefarious doctor drugged them.
It always makes me feel better to know that even though I got a D on a math test at least I’m not unwillingly killing family members or cheating on my husband/boyfriend/lover with their brother.
It’s a good feeling.
Secondly, in a more serious manner, they allow you to believe in things.
I know it sounds ridiculous, and if you have ever read a single one of my columns it is obvious that I am no optimist, but soap operas make me one.
They make me want to believe in things like true love, and, believe me, I am far from a romantic.
But how else do you explain my constant support of terrible couples that hurt each other in explosive ways?
Like the threaten–to–kill–you–watch–someone–kidnap–your–baby–and–not–say–anything type of ways.
But somehow, I still want to see them together.
I still want to believe that the love they shared on my screen is enough to make it through anything.
And soap operas are the one place where that is possible.
People do terrible things to each other and get back together because it’s a soap opera and, no matter what, history repeats itself.
It’s comforting in a strange, twisted sort of way.
Not to mention, no one ever stays dead.
Seriously, not ever.
That’d be a pretty cool world to live in, don’t you think?
Lastly, soap operas are cool. Seriously, they are.
I can prove it: James Franco, voluntarily decided to guest star on one.
Yes, voluntarily.
No one held a gun to his head; he chose to do it.
Therefore, it is obvious that soap operas are awesome because famous movie stars choose to be on them.
So there.
