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Why I Hate Halloween

Let’s take this very slowly. It’s a secular holiday that started because of pagan beliefs.  OK.

Young children dressed in ill-fitting superhero costumes or disturbingly sexualized superhero costumes will come to your house for candy.  OK.  Also, they will ask for money to help kids in Africa.  People place rotting vegetables on their doorsteps.  These people will also tell you that you are crazy for not dressing up.

Yes, Halloween can be confusing.  Not just confusing—outright absurd, paradoxical, and hypocritical.  That, more than anything else, is why I hate Halloween.

Well, not all parts of Halloween.  I enjoy candy corn, horror movies, and hanging around in large groups at night just as much as the next guy does.  Truth be told, Halloween night is all right.

What I dislike are the 30 days leading up to Halloween.  Now, what does this amount of time mean?  Let me put it in perspective for you—30 days is equal to 43,200 minutes, which means we all have the opportunity to hear “The Monster Mash” approximately 240 times over the course of those 30 October days.  We have the opportunity to spend thirty days surrounded by “spooky” displays, present in store windows, schools, neighbors’s yards and homes, and even our own houses.

Just as the idea of Christmas has been commercialized and transformed so much that relentless capitalism somehow constitutes the “Christmas spirit”, the idea of Halloween has become much more important than it actually is, most likely helped by the numerous Halloween stores that spring up on September 31st and sell all their stock for 50 percent off on Nov. 1.

Simply put, Halloween overstays its welcome long before it actually comes around. I’m sick of the very idea of October 31st by at least the 8th.

I’m not going to complain for all of this article, though I don’t deny I’ve spent a fair portion doing so. Right now, however, I’m going to try to offer a solution to the Halloween problem.

Should people try to go back to the roots of Halloween?  Sure, if you’re into paganism, druids, and all that jazz.

Should people simply not celebrate Halloween?  A viable option, but you know there will be one little kid who will start crying if you don’t have any candy for him on October 31st.

The best choice is, quite simply, to not care as much.  Don’t buy a giant blow–up skull or demon to put in your front lawn.  Don’t buy yourself a $200 lightsaber so that your Luke Skywalker costume can be just perfect.  Don’t buy a smoke machine that will almost certainly cause at least one car to crash into your front porch.  Calm down, buy some candy, don’t splurge on your costume, and take October easy.

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