Robert Mathis ’10
Staff Writer

In the olden days, the fads ignited by youthful generations became relics of pop culture; for instance, the hula-hoop, the Rubiks cube, and, to a lesser extent, the Furby are all examples of items fondly remembered for capturing the imagination and hearts of the children of yesteryear.

That being said, since then, pop culture has irreversibly gone down the drain and reached an all-time low–or, at least, for the moment.

In a disillusioned state of that perennial sense of consumerism, the nation has taken a classic icon and butchered it into near oblivion. 

It’s depressing even to think about.

No, I’m not talking about Hannah Montana.

I’m talking about vampires.

Vampires were better left un-popularized. Ask yourself, what words would spew out of Count Dracula’s (or even Count Chocula)’s mouth if he were to discover the monstrosity that is the Twilight series, the mother of all vampire exploitations?

If I may go off on one of my signature tangential tirades for a moment, half the reason why the Twilight series is so undeservingly popular is because society has made it “cool” to idolize modern fantasy.

Putting the literary garbage aside, the vampire is just another victim in a long line of oh-so brief societal fixations: wizards, dragons, and the like have all been introduced either in mass print or film in the past 10 years or so.

Today’s young folk simply devour that “modern fantasy” factor for reasons they themselves don’t even understand. When analyzing the films and books, the Twilight series is so dry that if human, no vampire would want to suck on its blood.

If I may put it into perspective, if you were to come across a vampire in a mist-covered forest of evergreens in the dead of night this weekend, you would most likely not want to make out with it.

Most actual vampires would probably not be like Robert Pattinson. Rather, the quintessential vampire of the past—the real vampire, I may add—has been portrayed with clammy skin, shockingly red lips, primal instincts, and most notably, a lust for human blood.

That’s right. Human blood.

As in YOUR human blood. Call me a vampire purist, but the point of the vampire is to establish a departure from humanity and not to assimilate it into our own society. Oh, the death of the classic movie monster.

So the next time you watch “True Blood,” or even its lesser known CW counterpart “The Vampire Diaries,” consider the fact that the vampires you see on television are mere moneymaking tools.  Edward Cullen should be thought of as a corporate sellout rather than a teen heartthrob.

Not only that, but these exploitative and capitalist vampires are angering the secret underground vampire community currently being forced into the sewers of Transylvania by proactive government initiatives (you know they exist).

As the evening of the “Twilight: New Moon” release approaches, I am quietly lamenting the loss of the traditional vampire, brutally seized by power-hungry executives looking to cash in on the benefits of modern fantasy much like the Harry Potter film series did with wizards.

I can only hope that werewolves are spared from such a fate as this.  

But seeing as the new Twilight” movie prominently includes a werewolf, Jacob Black, my faith in pop culture may be just as undead as a vampire.