Jack Hennessy ’10
Staff Writer

I’m getting another dog. A puppy. A black Labrador Retriever that will have ultimate authority over all girls for the first three months of its existence. No matter what it does, you can expect any female to tilt their head and say “Aww how cute. Can I hold her?”

It’s okay though, I’ve accepted this. It’s to be expected, puppies and women were meant for each other. What I’m a little fed up with, though, is the naming process, or lack thereof. We’re getting the thing in less than a week and we have no legitimate options for a name. That’s not to say we don’t have plenty of ideas. The only problem is, not one of these ideas is a serious option. These joke names accomplish little more than a few laughs. Nevertheless, there are a lot.

Thousands of them, in fact.

I’m beginning to think the whole reason my mom decided to get a dog was to shower us with humorous name ideas that are so random/dumb/vulgar they are mildly comical.

After a month of them non-stop, however, they’re starting to annoy the hell out of me.

I was on my way home from a doctor’s appointment the other day on I-95, and we drive by the Bear Naked advertisement billboard. Five seconds later my mom goes “What about ‘Bear Naked’?”

No, Mom.

You can always tell when she’s about to contribute another moronic idea that is utterly useless in our attempt to find a suitable name. Every time it starts with half a laugh that manages to come out despite her efforts to suppress any preemptive laughter. Obviously, these efforts fail every single time and all I can do is roll my eyes in anticipation for the idiotic name to follow.

Now, I’m not here to bash on my mom. You gotta love the woman, but some of these name ideas are just plain senseless.

Here are just a few: Clark (after a street name in Chicago)…Addison (also a street name)…Eleanor (in honor of my grandmother. Namesakes for dogs?)…Swine(obvious reasons)…Soriano(baseball player)…Barack (obvious reasons)…Alvin (another street name)…Harney Parkway (some street in Nebraska)…Woog (obvious reasons)…Punch Bowl (no idea)…Shamrock (Irish theme I guess)…Hohokam (you tell me)…etc

You’d think as the day got closer to getting the thing, my mom would actually get serious and focus on real possibilities. This couldn’t be farther from the truth. It seems as the date gets closer, the name ideas just get more and more ridiculous.

The list of ‘Possibles’ pales in comparison to its counterpart, the ‘Definitely Nots’. That list grows exponentially longer each day. The list of ‘Possibles’has been completely stagnant, to say the least, for more than a month.

In my desperation to come up with some legitimate ideas, I turned the tables on my mom. I played her game, as a last ditch effort to perhaps compile a suitable list after she realizes how annoying it has become. I think it might have worked.

We were getting ready for dinner one night and I say:

“Mom, what about Saddam?…It’ll be great. Like if she’s outside and we can’t find her, we can just yell ‘Oh Saddam, where are you hiding?'”

Not surprisingly, she didn’t find it funny in the least. In fact it looked as if she might glare at me all night.

Ten seconds later, however, she chuckles to herself and goes “What about…”

We might as well name it Clark…or Swine.