Talking Dogs and Ugly People: Five Movies I’m Planning on Skipping

Marmaduke

Marmaduke


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Spencer Fox ’11
Staff Writer

 

Marmaduke

Step Up 3D (8/16)

 

Synopsis: A close group of full time friends, part time street dancers, go head to head with some of the world’s best hip-hop dancers in a showdown that they will never forget. In 3D.

Why I’m planning to skip it: I can almost promise you this movie will be a testament to why dance movies should never have sequels or ever be in 3D. I wish this movie were in 4D so I could see myself leaving the theatre disappointed.

Cats & Dogs: Revenge of Kitty Galore (7/30)

Synopsis: In the midst of an animal race war between cats and dogs, a rogue kitten agent named Kitty Galore has formulated a plan to take down both the cats and dogs to have the world in the palm of her…paw. In lieu of this plot twist, the cats and dogs must join together to stop the force that is Kitty Galore.

Why I’m planning to skip it: Get it? It’s suppose to be a joke about the name “Pussy Galore” from the James Bond movie “Diamonds are Forever.” Enjoy the joke you won’t get, twelve year old moviegoers. If you’ve graduated the 7th grade, forget about seeing this movie, your not the Yu-Gi-Oh playing, prepubescent demographic for this “movie.”

Marmaduke (6/4)

Synopsis: An everyday suburban relocates to a new neighborhood, bringing along trouble making, loveable, and inexplicably named Great Dane, Marmaduke.

Why I’m planning to skip it: It’s a good thing Owen Wilson is really finding his niche in the fine art of talking dog movies. I hope whoever is reading this has a good sense of sarcasm because nothing in the sentence above is meant to be taken genuinely at all. Owen Wilson shouldn’t be proud of what he’s doing to his career, and talking dog movies will never be a fine art, and hopefully will never be a niche either. I can only pray the similarities to Marley and Me are present, because maybe I’ll consider seeing this film if the dog dies at the end of this movie too.

Sex and the City 2 (5/27)

Synopsis: A movie about rich middle-aged women, romping around New York City while they complain about sex and other things you probably don’t care about, or want to hear about. Again.

Why I’m planning to skip it: This movie looks really good! Just kidding, I’m not a 43 year-old woman. If the mixture of a mundane hedonistic plot and Sarah Jessica Parker’s stunning resemblance to Seabiscuit, if Seabiscuit’s face got hit by a truck, isn’t enough to make you never want to see this movie, I don’t think anything will.

Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang (8/20)

Synopsis: Nanny McPhee comes to the aid of a young mother who is doing her best to run the family farm while her husband is fighting in the war. But little does the family know! Nanny McPhee has a few lessons to teach them about family values before she’s done with ‘em!

Why I’m planning to skip it: Really? A sequel to Nanny McPhee? I’d rather be Tracy Morgan’s liver for a day than see this movie. And Emma Thompson, just because Charlize Theron won an Oscar sans makeup,

doesn’t mean you will too.

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